A Lack of Focus

Thought generation is in bits and pieces this week. Twice this week Will has corrected my driving en-route to school and activities. “Aren’t we supposed to be taking Joe to gymnastics?” I had picked up James but turned a corner away from Joe's house.

“Ah, yes,” I thanked Will as I turned the van around. I believe the van was on auto-pilot to Liam’s school. Wrong place. Wrong time of day. Wrong kid.

“My mom makes wrong turns all the time,” James said. He was clearly un-phased that I had forgotten Joe. “But Dad never does.”

Then this morning, Will stated with hesitation, “I thought Kristine was riding to school with us this morning…”

“Thanks, Will!” Again, I turned the van around.

"Being in the moment" is not me this week. Situations need mulling before action is taken. Schedules need ironed out to get everyone to where they need to go. Little vignettes have been running in my head on a non-stop loop.

This is my third hour sitting in the Quiet Room at the public library to write – two hours yesterday and one, thus far, today. In an attempt to empty my head of those vignettes, I wrote “Put it out of my mind” at the top of a paper, followed by a list of things I cannot resolve or act on when my butt is in this seat.

Then, I reminded myself:

No phone calls. It’s the Quiet Room.

No personal emails. It’s my rule when in the Quiet Room.

No worrying. It’s my writing time.

And, I’m stumped. Not for lack of material, but for lack of focus. For not knowing what to write about. My thought: There needs to be a smoother transition from chief of operations in the house to this writer sitting at a keyboard. As COO within the last hour, I made phone calls, paid bills, returned emails, threw laundry on; then raced out the door to get my butt in this chair so I would have a solid chunk of time to write before picking up my sons from school; made the “forget it” list; flung open the computer… and watched time pass while writing about nothing.

Now, two hours later and still, nothing.

Yes, the transition. It needs to be more fluid and more thoughtful. To reign in the piece of me that belongs right here, in this moment. That woman who writes works in a lower gear than the one who drove here. Maybe the writer will be here next week. If she makes the right turn.

It truly is a Hump Day. And this is a Hump Day Shorter-than-Short.

Digital Natives vs Digital Immigrants

Bill and I have always been fascinated by sub-cultures. Our personal definition of sub-culture refers to unique, niche interests that draw individuals together who have rich experiences creating a culture outside our normal, day-to-day life. In general, although we may dabble in these groups, we aren’t one of them but are in awe of their existence and the passion their people have for their “things.” A couple weeks ago, I volunteered to accompany Liam to the Boston Festival of Indie Games. Bill went last year, and I remembered the fatigue on his face when he returned home, and I remember the excitement on Liam’s face. Gaming. A sub-culture neither Bill nor I are a part of, but we live oh-so-close to the neighborhood.

At parenting and educational conferences over the years, I picked up a couple terms that help distinguish the players in and the watchers of this sub-culture: digital natives and digital immigrants.

Digital natives were born into the world of technology; it’s been with them since birth – the Internet, video games, hand-held devices. iDevices really are intuitive to these people. Our sons Will and Liam are digital natives.

Digital immigrants were born before the wide use of technology. In my senior year of college, our library installed ten computers for 2,100 students. We had to sign up for half-hour slots to use them. I loved the feeling of my fingers dancing over the keys and words streaming out. In fact, had I been born ten years later, I’m sure that writing would have been a career I pursued in my twenties rather than my forties. For Bill and me, iDevices are a kind of necessary evil. Bill and I are digital immigrants.

Used in a sentence, these two digital communities are more often joined by “versus” than “and.” The parent-child relationship of our era falls hard on native vs immigrant. As for the communication surrounding the use of extra-curricular technology in our home, I impale myself regularly on the sword of transition away from technology to something – anything – that doesn’t involve a screen. And each time is as painful as the previous, particularly when the native leaves the computer screen and migrates to the TV. This big screen is seen by the native as “electronics-free.”

My anxiety level rose as the day approached when I would spend hours purposefully visiting this sub-culture of gaming. I envisioned walking into a swarm of digital natives, and not being able to tell anyone to “Turn it off!”

Once parked at MIT, we ran up five floors to the auditorium. Our eyes were glassy in disbelief: mine at the height of the climb, Liam at the multitude of gaming tables set up. Liam, who is ten, didn’t hesitate to ask the game designers if he could try their games. The designers hovered over Liam to watch how he worked his way through their games. Despite age differences of a decade or more, they spoke the same language and were very respectful to one another.

As this was an Indie Fest, these were all independent game designers working to create games that they would hopefully sell via STEAM or some other avenue. I see STEAM as an on-line catalog where gamers can buy access to games they want to play on-line. STEAM requires new games to be voted in by gamers who play the games available on a trial-basis. Once designers attain enough votes, their games are “green-lighted” on STEAM.

All of the designers I met were employed full-time as computer guys – software, hardware, IT, programming – I heard all of those terms tossed in with the words “my day job.” So their passion, their hobby, is game design. Some had worked for months on their games, others for a few years. For many, this festival was the debut of their games and the road to getting players to vote them onto STEAM.

While standing for a good 45 minutes at one table while Liam pursued level after level, a young man and I chatted. Kevin was “a big” in the Big Brother, Big Sister program and his “little” was battling with Liam.

“So, how do you feel about gaming?” he asked. “My girlfriend doesn’t want her (future) kids to have electronics, but I’m OK with them. I was a big gamer myself.”

I shared my strategies of trying to monitor time spent on electronics. I might have mentioned impalement. Then I fessed up, “I think this is Liam’s thing. He’s hard-wired to like computers and programming. No matter how many limits I put on him, he loves this.”

“That’s what my mom and dad tried with me too. Until a certain age, then they gave up and just let me play whenever I wanted to.” Kevin may have seen me cringe.

“So,” he continued, “I’m torn. I get what my girlfriend says, but I loved gaming! What do you think?”

“You’ve held eye contact with me during our whole conversation. And we had a great conversation. No matter your decision, I think your kids will be fine,” I predicted. “Are you a programmer now?”

Kevin’s eyes danced as he explained what he is working on: the internet of things. He described his job as the cutting edge career for programmers. Basically, every day things are connected to the Internet and data flows between the thing and the thing’s company. In the future, will the Malcolms never run out of Northern toilet paper because the Internet connection on the toilet rolls will track what’s purchased, what’s used, and tell Northern when to send a new shipment?

Kevin and the designers who I met are of the digital native sub-culture, which will soon be mainstream. Or, perhaps it already is… So, while I’m not tossing in the hat to controlling how much gaming goes on in our house, I do acknowledge that Liam is most definitely a digital native by the simple fact that he is ten.

Happy Hump Day, from the digital immigrant who will always feel the ping of being a foreigner, despite fifty solid years on this planet.

Me First!

Having been away from the keyboard for a while, it’s tough to decide where to start. I’m picking up at the beginning of our vacation to England, a kind of prequel to the story about our canal navigation. We were flying to England via an overnight flight that originated in Boston then connected to a trans-Atlantic flight out of D.C. We had left just enough time to get to the airport for the 7:00 p.m. flight. I remember thinking how well the packing of a six bags came together. The bags were in the van, and I opened the refrigerator one last time to see if anything really needed attention. Generally, I use this cold box as a preserver of rotting things while we are away, so the garbage in the garage doesn’t reek. My intent of this last look was to identify anything that would need to go into the deep-freeze until our return.

I saw a strange plastic bag laying on top of the egg carton. I was stunned by the contents: my monthly injection of Lupron. An important ingredient in my post-breast cancer 10-year plan. I had picked it up from the pharmacy the day before, and as I left the pharmacy, I had called my doctor’s office to make a morning appointment for the day we flew. The appointment was set – but not written in my calendar. Nearly hysterical, I looked at Bill. “I made sure everyone else was taken care of – except me! ME!”

Bill looked at me, waiting for a plan. I looked at him, trying to think of a plan. “I could do it,” he suggested. I declined. This was an inter-muscular injection. The jab of the 1 ½” needle needed to be done with a bit of gusto, but not too much gusto.

“Let’s go to the ER,” I suggested. This was a pretty straight forward emergency. My flight left in two hours. I wasn’t confident that I could take the injection with me in my carry-on then find a jabber in the UK. I definitely didn’t want to pack it in the cargo. The replacement value was too great. Over $2,000.

In a kind of keep-the-car-running state of mind, I hopped out at the ER. The receptionist looked at me. Clearly not believing I could’ve forgotten this errand. “I’ll see what I can do,” ended with a, “I would need to check you into a room and there is a huge wait. Linda, I think you should try an urgent care.” The airport was directly south of the ER. The closest urgent care was southwest of the ER. While I was in the ER, a gift arrived: a text came saying our flight had been delayed by an hour.

I plugged the urgent care address into the GPS as Bill drove. I called the urgent care office and explained the situation. Again, I could hear confused disbelief that I could have forgotten this task. I lost the call as we pulled into the parking lot. Bill dropped me off at the same door I had walked through for the lumpectomy in August 2009. Surgery and urgent care shared the same entrance at the hospital.

I carried the Lupron kit with me ready to hand it off like a baton in a relay. Two nurses greeted me and said they would try to get the attending to sign off on it, but normally, they administered only injections from their own pharmacy. “Could we see that?” Thank goodness, the hand-off had been made! Fifteen minutes later, one of them returned. “Linda, I’m so sorry but we can’t do it. You could try this organization called Doctor’s Express – here’s the number, or there are step-by-step directions in the package so you could have someone do it for you.” I wanted her to step out of her profession and be my friend. It didn’t happen.

Then and there the moment hit. It wasn’t so much a line in the sand but rather a line drawn with a wide permanent marker across the threshold of the hospital door. I wasn’t leaving the hospital without having the injection. “Could you tell me where the bathroom is?”

A running pep talk started in my head. “God helps them who help themselves.” “You got this, Linda!” “You’ve seen this done hundreds of times!” “This is nothing!” Thank goodness for the little voices in my head.

In the dimly lit public bathroom, I popped open the packaging. The Lupron syringe was in a flat plastic case, measuring about seven inches long and four inches wide. With shaking hands, I pulled out the neatly folded instruction sheet and started to unfold it. And unfolded. And unfolded. Until I had the poster-sized instruction sheet laying across the sink. I did a quick scan to find the main instructions. In one column, there were pictures included. It reminded of me when you bought a new printer and just needed the quick start directions, never mind the manual.

I folded the poster in half and held it closer to my eyes to read it. Then farther away. The writing was so small my contact ensconced eyes couldn’t bring it into focus. I stared at myself in the mirror. I scooped one contact out and threw it into the garbage followed by the second. Now, with the poster pulled close to my nose, I could see the instructions.

I followed them step-by-step. There was only a pushing of saline up the syringe to mix with the medicine. Easy. Then I exposed my right hip, reached back, and jabbed it in. No pain. With seven years of this, the area was probably calloused. I gave the plunger a push all the way and stopped when I heard a bubbling sound. That wasn’t normal. I had emptied the syringe. I picked up all the pieces to this bizarre science experiment and tucked them back into the bag. Including the unopened alcohol wipes. Those would have been a good idea given the public nature of the room.

Blurry-eyed, I floated out of the hospital and to the car. “It’s done,” I told Bill. I handed him the poster of instructions. “You better take this with you in case I start acting funny.” I hadn’t checked to see if I had hit a blood vessel before administering the drug. My body was a limp rag on the passenger seat. And the flight had been delayed another hour; we had plenty of time to get to the airport.

Once at the airport, we found the delay was due to storms up and down the eastern seaboard. If we made it out of Logan, chances were good the flight out of DC wouldn’t get out that evening. The airline had already tentatively booked us on a 6 a.m. flight the next morning. We ditched the plan to fly that night.

Adrenaline surge. Adrenaline drain. Adrenaline surge. Adrenaline drain. My own bed felt good that night.

Now, back into the autumn routine, when I work on our family’s schedule and calendar, I mumble words of a 2-year-old: “Me first!”

First Day of School 2016

Today was Liam’s first day of school. Late last night, I vocalized my incredible success, “I pulled it all together!” My arms flew over my head in Rocky-like victory. It was a solo celebration. No one else seemed as excited as I was.

At 10 p.m. last night, I found Liam’s summer reading book about St. Benedict; it has been missing all summer. Earlier this week, we borrowed a copy from a friend so Liam could be prepared for the first day of class; then an email from the teacher two days ago indicated that her students would actually use the book the first day for an assignment, aka: Liam needed his copy.

I extracted all contents of Liam’s cubby and dumped them into a laundry basket, dug through his crate in the living room, and fingered individual titles on his living room bookshelf. Desperate, I moved to Will’s book shelves. And there it was – on a bookshelf, of all places! The wrong shelf, but on a book shelf! Who is this Mom?

Similarly, Liam's other summer read, Little House in the Big Woods, appeared. From Liam’s crate. But this wasn’t as big a kudos as it wasn’t really lost, just internally misplaced as I had seen it within the last week. Unlike St. Benedict, who had disappeared like a modern miracle upon entering our enclave.

The jumbo book covers from last year dropped into the laundry basket when I scooped out Liam’s cubby. Sure that they were in the house, I had chosen not to repurchase these. But as I laid my hands on them, I remembered Liam’s science book from last year: The book cover was so tight, the front cover would suddenly spring open when the book was just sitting on the table. That took a little getting used to. So, I’m not sure these are really jumbo book covers. Nevertheless, I stuff them in the outside pocket of Liam’s backpack.

At 9:30 last night, I reminded Liam that he still needed to try on his black sneakers to make sure they fit. “You are doing that now? Shouldn’t that have been done this morning?” Bill suggested. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that the last 6 pages of the 12-page summer math packet and taken nearly six hours to complete that day.

At 10:15 last night, I remembered the first day of school was a Class A uniform day, formal uniform. I found the good black shoes in Liam’s closet and set them in his room for the next day. To complete this uniform, we just needed a belt – which had also fallen out of the cubby! Ahh… when the stars are in alignment!

As Liam went to bed, I asked him to get dressed when he woke up – before he came down stairs. He did! After explaining that it was a Class A day, I sent him back up for the black dress shoes. They fit. He came down with white socks on and his shirt tucked in. Black socks, please.

Seeing summer boys transform to school boys warms my heart. They look so good in tidy, new clothes. That match. That aren’t stained. That aren't ripped. That aren't too short.

When we pulled up to Liam’s school, he saw a friend being dropped off. “Hi, Michael! Wait for me!” And our last words were, “Could you close the door for me, Mom?” Followed by my nearly unheard, “Have fun!”

I watched as he walked into school with his buddy. They were 5th graders now. And all of them were dressed in the 5th grade Class A shirt, tie, and pants. Except for Liam. Still, he was near perfection in his 4th grade Class A polo shirt, shorts, and black shoes.

As for Will, he and I had a mature heart to heart over the weekend. He is nearly 13 and started 8th grade yesterday. While I had been nudging his independence, I verbally turned the reins over to him, and in just two days, he has stepped up to the challenge. Preparing for school every day – from showering and picking up the bathroom to brushing teeth and getting breakfast – is up to him, and he needs to plan for getting up in time to do what he needs to do.

No longer will I say, “Brush your teeth.” Just know that the consequence of not brushing is dentures at the age of 50. No longer will I say, “Pick up the bathroom.” Know that your future partner will not like this habit. No longer will I pound on my bedroom floor at 11 p.m. as a signal for him to get to bed. No longer will I suggest when he does his homework.

Life is changing. Kids are growing up. And, honestly, I don’t have the brain power to micro-manage more than one child to near perfection, for Linda Malcolm, the writer,  is knocking at the door.

Happy Hump Day!